


The Secret Life of Ferns

by Whosdaboss4



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Brienne being helpful, Crack, Emotional Baggage, F/M, Ferns giving off sexual energy, Fluff, Jaime being grumpy, Marital Issues, Other, Pod calls Sansa "Red" and I am here for it, Podrick somewhat OOC, Postpartum Depression, Sansa somewhat OOC, Weird, also serious, couples therapy - maybe, sexual issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-22
Updated: 2019-11-22
Packaged: 2021-02-18 00:01:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21518608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whosdaboss4/pseuds/Whosdaboss4
Summary: Okay, I am late.  This was inspired by NCW's Architectual Digest (?) interview when he commented ferns give off sexual energy.   I've been sitting on this one for a few weeks.   So this is a cross between an interview (Fern is being interviewed) and a Couples Therapy episode (it's a show that comes on Showtime).  It's weird - kinda of humorous (mostly at the beginning and end), but deals with more serious stuff in the middle.Again, it's weird.   This was written quickly and weeks ago.   Please forgive my errors.
Relationships: Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth, Podrick Payne/Sansa Stark
Comments: 12
Kudos: 26





	The Secret Life of Ferns

The Introduction

“Hello. I’m Fern (more accurately, my scientific class name is Polypodiopsida - say that 3 times fast). I’m glad you could pop by and so I can tell you a little about myself. Well, one particular thing about myself. I’ve been quietly sitting in homes and gardens and woods and jungles for millions of years. I’m a very old plant. I’ve been around well before you talking apes first stood up and started walking. I’ve been used in medicine and sometimes as food, but mostly - I’m just very pretty to look at. And this gets me to my point. A very...please, excuse me for a moment.”

“Rose, what do you want?” Fern turns to a red rose bud. 

“You’re talking about beautiful plants and romance so I thought I should be here,” Rose replies.

“No, this is my story, so you are excused,” Fern clarified.

“Aren’t you going to talk about Westeros and...?” Rose asked.

“Yes, but…” Fern answers

“Hello...The Tyrells?” Rose interrupts incredulously.

“They aren’t in this story. Sorry, Love,” Fern explains.

“Aren’t you going to talk about the handsome Ser Jaime and his Lady Knight Ser Brienne of Tarth?” Rose questions Fern.

“Yes, what of it?” Fern asks. His beautiful leaves are waving around. His patience is wearing thin. 

“Well, most stories focusing on the Kingslayer and his Lady have the beautiful Margaery Tyrell in it…as the outrageous, liberated, yet loyal friend to Ser Brienne... or at least her handsome brother Ser Loras. Sometimes he’s an antagonist, but mostly he’s a mild protagonist, yes?”  
Rose asks. 

Fern speaks to my producer and I, “She’s arrogant. She’s so popular in almost all romantic stories, but what do we say to the beautiful flower? Not today. Ah, ha that was a reference. Aren’t I the clever plant?”

“No, not in this one…” Fern responds to Rose. He is truly tired of the interruptions. 

“What about me?” a voice calls from outside. It’s Lemon calling from her tree. 

Fern sighs loudly. “Yes, Lemon. Sansa Stark will be in this story. She will be essential to it.,” Fern shouts toward the window. If Fern had eyes, he would cross them in exasperation.

“Yay!” Lemon hollers. “Sorry, Rose!” Lemon offers. Although Lemon is tart and acidic, she’s really a sweetheart at her very nature. 

Rose turns in a huff. As she walks away, she pricks Fern with one of her thorns. Fern rolls a leaf (as if it were rolling an eye) at her retreating form. 

“Dangerous beauty, she is. Anyway, as I was saying before I was RUDELY INTERRUPTED...” Fern raises his voice in the direction of Rose. “A very handsome actor mentioned me and how I can help all talking apes in...intimate matters. He’s very handsome and Danish. Hum, that gets me to thinking. Why is he Danish when he’s from Denmark? I don’t get that. You’re from America right, so you’re American, yes?” Fern inquires. Fern is very intelligent, but his mind tends to go on stream of consciousness tangents. Suddenly, Fern seems to figure out the answer to his question.

“Oh, yes. The historical Danes. Well, that does make sense now. Anyway, the actor says we, Ferns, my family give off sexual energy. And it works wonders, if you know what I mean. Of course, you do you know. You’re a woman grown. Are you married? Yes, ten years? Well, magnificent! Be sure to take a cutting of me home with you. Yes, yes…I’m sure you’re very happy and in love. Ten years, though. You know you need me. And don’t roll your eyes. You talking apes and your complexities...” Fern trails off. 

My producer gets two cuttings - one for me and one for himself. He’s been married 15 years. 

Fern continues, "Well, I'll explain how it all started. The story was passed down through to ages among us Ferns. It started when the Lady and Lord of Winterfell began having marital issues after the birth of their first child..."

**********

Vassal: Brienne and Pod

Brienne and Pod sit silently across from each other at a table in the armoury. Pod is fidgeting with a splinter on the table. Brienne is wringing her hands that are resting in her lap. She’s thinking maybe she should have talked to Sansa first, but leaving Pod with Jaime...what type of crazy advice would he give him. No, this is the best situation, so best get on with it.

“Ned is a lovely little boy,” Brienne says. Yes, that’s it...avoidance.

“Thank you. He is,” Pod says smiling, but still looking at the table. “He is so...intense...already. He’s just like his mother,” Pod says with a bit of a hurt in his voice. 

_Oh, shit. That didn’t sound good,_ Brienne thinks. 

Then there’s silence. 

“He certainly looks like her. Well, more like Lady Catelyn with the darker red hair…” Brienne trails off. _How to begin..how to begin..._ Brienne’s thoughts are swirling when Pod interrupts them.

“She hates me, Brienne,” Pod blurts out. Pod still called Brienne “Ser” after she knighted him. They’ve dropped off the titles in private once he became betrothed to Sansa. Pod was truly her equal now. 

“Pod, don’t be an idiot. Sansa doesn’t hate you. She loves you and….” Brienne begins her offensive. 

“Bull...shit!” Pod exclaims. Well, they are really equals now. And Brienne is truly glad Jaime isn’t talking to him now. Who knows how this conversation would go with Jaime.

“Why do you think she hates you, Pod?” Brienne softens her tone and lowers her voice. She doesn’t want to escalate his emotions. 

Pod really looks at Brienne. He takes a deep breath and exhales. 

“Things were rough after Little Ned was born. Red, um, Sansa was very unhappy. She barely wanted to get out of bed. She didn’t want to nurse the baby… she walked around like a wight on milk of the poppy. She pushed through everything though, but I could see...No, I could feel the melancholy coming off of her in waves. She finally went to the Maester and he told us that it was her humours that were off. It happens sometimes after women birth their babes. He gave her teas to help balance her humours. I thought, okay. She’s going to be okay. We’re going to be okay. A moon later, she was back to herself. Back to being my Red, er Sansa…” Pod paused to take a breath.

“She was happier with the babe. She was happily performing her duties as the Lady of Winterfell and as Wardeness. She was happy with everything, except...me. At night...she clings to Little Ned. She won’t let him go sleep in his nursery. So when and if we couple, it’s, ‘Quiet Podrick, don’t wake the babe!”. And I’m ‘If he slept in his nursery, I wouldn’t have to be quiet in my own fucking bed chamber’. Then we argue. And if we actually fuck...it’s like fucking a Silent Sister. It was never like that before the babe,” Pod says.

“Brienne, I love my son. I am thankful to the Gods we have him. I don’t want to be resentful of him. I don’t want to be a father like that. But I don’t want to feel like I’m not needed or wanted in my own home. Then I thought, well, it’s actually her home. Then I thought, maybe I’m NOT needed OR wanted. She got her heir. She got what she needed to secure House Stark. So, she married me… a poor orphan from a Westerlands minor house. Someone who’s not clever like Lord Tyrion Someone who won’t challenge her. Someone….” Pod said bitterly. 

Brienne interrupts him by raising her hand, “ENOUGH!”

Pod instantly stopped. He still had the same respect for Brienne like he did when he was her squire.

“You will not insinuate my former Lady married you under those pretenses. Sansa could have have named Arya her heir. She could have named one of my children her heir. Did you forget Joanna was born here? She married you because she loves you. Period!” Brienne said fiercely.

“Then...then how do we get things back...to the way it was? Why are things like this now? She won’t talk to me. Not really. I’m so confused...I…” Pod asked. The pain in his eyes almost brought tears to Brienne’s. 

Brienne was quiet for a long time. 

“I can’t be sure Pod, but I think it has to do with the fact that her parents aren’t here. I know when each of my babes were born, I missed my mother so much. And I barely remember her. But I miss having that connection when looking into the eyes of my own children. Sansa’s mother and father died so tragically, I think having her own babe makes her think of them. And it’s a painful memory. And Sansa’s so protective and she can be very mistrustful, you know that. So, I think it’s super hard for her to let Little Ned go. Even it’s him going to his nursery to sleep,” Brienne says.

Pod looks contemplatively. 

“And you...you didn’t have much of a family growing up. When you married Sansa, you gained a sister and two brothers and whole North. You got used to having a family. Now, that you have to share Sansa with Little Ned, maybe some of those old feelings being lonely and alone and rejected are creeping back. And it’s making you more sensitive that you have need to be?? I could be wrong. But, I do agree...Little Ned should to sleep in his nursery. It’s good for you all and it’s good for him too. Pod...Sansa loves you so much. I think she married you BECAUSE you are guileless and honest. Not because she wanted to exploit those traits. You bring her peace when much of her young life was chaos. With those monsters at the ready to destroy her..Joffrey, Cersei, Littlefinger and Ramsay...she’s learned to instinctively keep a lot inside. You know her story. So, even if she doesn’t talk to you, really talk to you… keep talking to her. Tell her what you are feeling. Tell her you felt afraid and why. It will get better, I promise you,” Brienne says. 

She’s not convinced that she’s convinced Pod of anything. But she spoke from her heart. And she does believe things between them will improve. 

Pod gets up from the table and walks around to when Brienne is sitting. He leans over and give her a hug. 

“Thanks, Brienne. I do feel better. I needed to hear that.” Pod says. Then Pod pulls away.

Brienne looks up and smiles at him, “And no more talk of running off to Tarth. You’re a knight. You don’t run away from your problems. Do you understand me?”

Pod looks away guiltily and opens his mouth to answer, when they faintly hear sounds coming from the training yard.

Pod walks away from Brienne and out of the armoury toward the training yard. Brienne follows him. 

**********

Liege: Jaime and Sansa

Sitting on the sofa in Sansa’s solar, Jaime is holding Pod and Sansa’s infant son, Eddard Stark. Little Ned. Sansa and Pod agreed that the heir of House Stark would have the Stark surname (and to keep the Stark name going). but the rest of their children will be Stark Paynes. Sansa herself still goes by Sansa Stark in official capacities, but unofficially she is Sansa Payne. 

Little Ned is a beautiful child. He looks like his mother. His hair is a bit darker auburn color. But his icy blue eyes are all Sansa. With a gaze that is currently analyzing Jaime carefully. As if he’s sizing Jaime up - at the tender age of 6 moons. Not a smile or a grin. Just a serious gaze staring deeply into Jaime’s eyes. Yep, he’s his mother’s son. 

A bit of drool drips from the corner of his mouth. Sansa moves to wipe it away quickly, but Jaime waves her off. As he and Brienne have had 4 children in 6 years, drool is nothing to him. Then Jaime bounces Little Ned on his knee and Ned smiles his father’s smile. A wide, open and joyous grin. His cold eyes warm up and darken to deep blue. Jaime can see Ned has two bottom teeth coming in. Little Ned starts to giggle with arms and legs swinging. 

“Ah, so I see why he’s drooling so much,” Jaime says. “Poor little fellow.”

“Yes, it makes other things not so fun,” Sansa says dryly.

Little Ned yawns. As he does so, he looks like Podrick. He will be an interesting young man - able to shift his expressions from menacing to friendly at a snap. Jaime smiles at the babe and hopes he gets to know grown-up Little Ned. He begins drifts off to sleep in Jaime’s arms.

“So where’s his nurse? This little man is ready for bed,” Jaime says looking at Sansa now.

“Oh, he still sleeps in our chamber. I...I don’t think he’s ready to be in his nursery all night,” Sansa looks away. 

Jaime thinks, _Sansa Stark is looking away as she speaks… Sansa NEVER avoids eye contact. Is she ashamed or embarrassed?_ Jaime knows this is one of the issues she and Pod are having. 

“He’s 6 moons. Doesn’t he sleep through the night?” Jaime asks.

“Are you a fucking...are you a Maester? Why is that your concern?” Sansa snaps and her eyes freeze over. Jaime thinks, _ah,there she is._

“Because your husband sent my wife a raven worried sick about his marriage. He feels like you don’t want or love him anymore. He feels like now you have Little Ned and he’s no longer needed. He was asking if we have any positions on Tarth for him. And here,me and my wife are, hundreds of miles away from our lovely island, FROM OUR OWN CHILDREN, freezing our ASSES OFF, trying to help you two ...you ingrate,” Jaime snaps back. 

“Well, I didn’t send the raven, so don’t blame me,” Sansa says coolly. But her eyes are scared.

Little Ned is hasn’t budged during the heated exchange. So either he sleeps soundly or he’s heard lots of loud arguments and is used to them. Jaime is a bit worried now.

“Well, my lady, if your husband is writing US about these things in your marriage, then it’s your problem too.” Jaime says in a softer tone.

Jaime stands up and goes to the door of the solar and calls out for a servant. A young lady walks in and asks what is needed. Jaime asks for the young Lord’s nursemaid to come and take him to his nursery. Shortly thereafter a stout middle-aged woman comes in and picks up Little Ned from Jaime’s arms. She tries not to look Jaime in the eye as if he can kill her with his gaze. Still the Kingslayer in the frozen North after all these years. 

“Take him to his nursery,” Jaime commands using his best Kingslayer voice. 

The nurse looks to Sansa. Sansa almost looks lost for a second, then she nods at the nurse. The nurse curtseys, shoots Jaime a sharp look and then turns with Little Ned. She shuts the door behind her. 

Sansa looks at the floor for a long time. Jaime really doesn’t like THIS Sansa. It just doesn’t feel right. He’s scared for she and Pod.

“So what do I do, Ser Jaime?” she asks so softly he could barely hear her. 

“Earlier, I would have just said ‘fuck your husband more’, but I think you all are past that, ay?” Jaime asks.

“I hate talking about this with you, but since you reminded me, you and Brienne did come all this way, so….” Sansa concedes.

“Well, it is a little break from our brood. Grandpa Selwyn is getting all the fun,” Jaime says lightening the mood by mentioning his children.

Sansa smiles at bit at that. “I do..you know...couple with him.” she said so quietly. Jaime knows this is killing her. _But here we are_ , he thinks.

“Not so well, though hey? Not with a babe hanging out in your chamber. What’s going on with you, Sansa?” Jaime asks.

Sansa narrows her eyes and throws icy daggers at him. Then she relents and her face softens.

“After Ned was born, I was very melancholy. For weeks, I could barely nurse him, let alone spend anytime with him. Pod was so worried. I was worried, but I couldn’t help it. No matter what I did. I just wanted to cry. But I can’t be layabout. There’s always something to do around here. So I pushed through the feelings...the overwhelming sadness. Then I started to resent my sweet baby. I didn’t tell Pod that. I was so ashamed. I...I felt as if I were going mad. Finally, I went to our Maester and he told me it was normal what I was feeling. Normal, Ser Jaime! I went for almost a moon, feeling like a shit mother and a shit person. And it’s normal. The Maester gave me a tea to drink every day and a few weeks later, I was feeling more like myself. But then, I felt so guilty by how I treated my baby his two moons of life, I couldn’t… I can’t let him be away from me,” Sansa ended. 

“Lady Sansa, I understand how you felt, but…” Jaime started.

“How can you understand?” Sansa asked incredulously.

“Ah, um, Cersei suffered from melancholy after all her..er...our babes,” Jaime answered.

Sansa’s eyes widened. “So I can look forward to becoming a full-fledged mad person in a few years. No offense,” Sansa said with dark humor.

“None taken,” Jaime said. Jaime had long stopped feeling he had to defend Cersei’s behavior.

“What’s happened to you was not your fault. And the babe is too young to remember any of it,” Jaime says. 

“BUT you don’t want to follow the example of your crazy Aunt and turn your boy into another Sweetrobin. You’re not there yet, but Little Ned can handle sleeping in his nursery at this point. Oh and no offense,” Jaime said.

“None taken,” Sansa stated. She looked contemplatively for a moment. 

“We just don’t have anyone to tell us these things. Or to really talk too. Both of us are orphans. I didn’t know that my melancholy was normal. We don’t know how to be married anymore. It’s all so...so...fucked.” Sansa sounded almost in tears.

“Sansa, you have Brienne and you have me. Hey, I was almost your good father at one point. And Pod is like a son to me, so you can still think of me as such...as your good father ,” Jaime said and then bit his lip. He was going into some painful territory. “I know Ned and Catelyn would be rolling in their crypts, but since my family is responsible for their not being here with you... it’s my duty to help and to be there for you and Pod and the babe. “ Jaime stopped to let that sink in. 

Sansa’s chin wobbled at bit, but she held steady. 

“They would be so proud of you. I am too. You’ve been through so much and here you are on the other side. The head of House Stark, the Wardeness of the North… a wife to a husband of your choosing and a mother of a beautiful baby boy. But on this other side, there’s loneliness and bitterness. You don’t have your mother and father to share in this joy, so it’s all bittersweet. You don’t have your Rickon or Robb. It’s joy and pain. It’s like you have to do penance for surviving. But you don’t...you just have to live. And be happy. And tell Little Ned about his grandparents and uncles. All of it - even about me and Bran. I hope he won’t hate me, but tell him all of it when he’s ready. And let it all go,” Jaime said almost without breathing. Because he’s been through this too. His situation was different, but the end result the same. 

Sansa eyes were teary. But again she head steady. 

“Has Pod been teaching you how to wield a sword?” Jaime asked. Sansa nodded.

“Then follow me,” Jaime said. Sansa followed Jaime out into the night air. IT was fucking cold, but Jaime knew this was needed. Jaime lead Sansa to the train yard. He gave her a dull training sword. He pointed her to a dummy.

**********

The Breakthrough and The Gift

“Let it out. All the shit everyone did you as a girl. Beat this dummy as if you are beating those shits. Because you did beat them Sansa. Go!” Jaime said.

Sansa looks at Jaime for a second and then she turned to the dummy and gave it a couple of well-placed whacks. He noticed her feet work. Pod was teaching her well. 

“You’re not training, Sansa. You are beating the crap out of those people who hurt you and sending them down to the Seven Hells. I’ll even give you one…Joffrey,” Jaime shouted. 

Sansa swung and hit the dummy harder. 

“You fucking sick bastard. What did I ever do to you? I was only a girl. I only wanted to love you. And you treated me worse than a whore. You KILLED MY FATHER. AND MADE ME WATCH, “ Sansa screamed a feral scream. 

“And Cersei. I hate you with the fire of 1000 suns. You wanted to break my spirit. You wanted to drive me insane. But I am still here. Sansa FUCKING Stark is here and you are dead.” WHACK, WHACK

Jaime hears steps and turns. It’s Pod and Brienne. Pod looks very concerned and he almost runs to Sansa. Jaime holds up his hand and whispers, “Let her go. She needs this.” Brienne smiles at Jaime and grabs Pod’s arm.

“The Freys. You dishonorable, unnatural brood of animals…. You killed my Mother, Brother and Good Sister. House Stark is still here and going strong. The pack survives… you hear me." WHACK, WHACK

“Littlefinger, you slimy, snivelling piece of shit. You used me and sold me. But I learned and Arya slit your throat like the pig you were.” WHACK, WHACK, WHACK. 

“And Ramsey. You sick of the sickest fucks. Letting your hounds eat you wasn’t violent enough for you, but it was oh so appropriate. You took EVERYTHING from me. You ruined me so badly… I thought I’d never be able to love anyone and have children. But here I am… Sansa Payne, wife of Ser Podrick Payne. We have a babe - our heir. You couldn’t break me. You couldn’t kill me….” 

Sansa slumps down into the cold ground at that and Pod then rushes to her.

“Red, are you alright?” Pod asks as he pulls his wife up into his arms He kissed her temple.

Sansa turns and looks into Pod’s eyes. Then she nods her head. 

“Right, here’s the next part,” Jaime starts so loudly that all three startle a bit. “Pod, your son is in his nursery and he’s going to sleep in his nursery from now on…”

“Red, sweetling, are you sure?” Pod asked ever the conciliatory one. Behind him, Brienne rolls her eyes. Jaime sees it and chuckles. 

“Yes, my love. It is well time…” Sansa answers with a smile. 

Jaime sighs. “I wasn’t finished. You two go down to the baths. Get in, relax, but TALK. Or do anything else you want...” he trials off suddenly feeling uncomfortable even though he just told Sansa that was his prescription not an hour ago. It’s like telling your children to go and fuck like wantons. Well, in this case, that’s exactly what it is. It’s also the memories of Harrenhal and all the sexual tension that memory entails. He can tell Brienne is feeling it too. She smirks at him.

Brienne then moves to left Jaime’s side and grabs his hand. “I have it on good authority, that the baths can be very therapeutic,” she said and blushes. Jaime looks at his wife marvelling at how she still can be so sweet and innocent. He wants to kiss her, but not in front of the Paynes. 

Jaime continues, “While you’re there, we will make sure you maid will put our gift in you bed chamber and then…”

“Gift?” Pod and Sansa say at the same time. 

“Yes, a plant. It’s called a fern. Tyrion got one for us in Essos. We’re giving you a cutting from our plant. It helps to improve…things,” Brienne said. She is really blushing now. 

“Things?” Sansa asks. 

It’s Jaime’s turn to roll his eyes. “Sex, Lady Payne...the plant gives off sexual energy. And it works.” Then there’s silence.

Sansa’s eyebrows raise. Then she looks at her husband and he winks at her. Without a word, she grabs his hand. Then they rush off in the directions of the baths.

Jaime and Brienne stand in the middle of the training yard for a second. 

“Kids…” Jaime mutters. “And we’ll probably have to deal with something like this with one of our own. Not looking forward to that.”

Brienne looks at him and shakes her head. “Me neither… Gods, me neither”.  
They both say at the same time, “It’ll be Gally.” Their 2nd child, Galladon was their sensitive, romantic child. At 4, he’s already had a crush on his Septa. His fucking Septa. 

Then they both laugh heartily. Jaime puts his left arm around Brienne’s waist and they head towards the castle. He reaches down to squeeze his wife’s firm bum. She gives him that look. Oh, that look. 

“I am feeling the fern’s power myself, Wench,” Jaime drawls. 

“Well, let’s hurry and give the fern to the maid, then…” Brienne purrs. She grabs his hands and they jog back into the castle giggling like newlyweds. 

Nine months later, the Sansa Payne (officially the Lady of Winterfell and Wardeness of the North) gives birth to another son. This child was a raven haired beauty with Stark grey eyes. They named him Jaime. Jaime Stark Payne. When Jaime Lannister heard of his name, he grumbled and rolled his eyes. He muttered something about Ned and Catelyn turning over in their graves and then asking the Stranger for day pass to the land of the living just to throttle their daughter and goodson. Brienne just sighed and let him babble. She knew despite his protests, he was very honored and proud. 

**********

The Ending

“So, that’s how Ser Jaime and Ser Brienne were instrumental in creating couples therapy…” Fern ended his tale. 

My producer and I give one another incredulous looks.

“Don’t scowl at me. It’s true. They had Lords and Ladies sending ravens to them throughout the Kingdoms with questions on how to spice up their love lives…” Fern huffed.

“Oh come off it, Fern. You know that’s not true,” Rose screamed from the courtyard outside.

“Look, I’ve had enough from you….” Fern screams back and his leaves are flailing wildly. 

“Come guys, please stop”, Lemon shouts trying to stop the escalating argument.

The argument continues. And escalates. Amongst the chaos, Lemon steps in and speaks for Fern - from the courtyard.

Lemon clears her throat, “Well, thank you very much for coming. I hope you enjoyed yourself. Next time, I can tell you all about me…”

Fern interrupts Lemon, “And don’t you start, you bloody tart…”

My producer and I quickly rise to start gathering our things to leave. We decide we’ll work with the footage we have. 

THE END


End file.
